Day to Day

**Loss and grief are different for everyone.  I cannot begin to comment on how someone else processes their grief, all I can do is speak to my own.  

Show of hands- how many of you, who have lost someone significant in your life, realize now, you are not the same person you were?  Just me??  Didn't think so.

The day my mom passed I was catapulted into a new version of myself.  Well, if I'm being honest, when it became obvious we were going to lose her the real journey started.  You realize at that point, that you were probably a complete shit head to your loved one at one point or another.  I know I was.  Do I regret it?  Yes, but at the same time, I realize that all those ass hat moments I had, helped build the strong relationship we shared.  

It has now been 1 year and 3 and a 1/2 months since she passed.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  On the daily, I hope that I'm making decisions she would be proud of, but you know what?  I know there are going to be times she's behind me going "Leslie, what the hell are you thinking?".  It's OK though, I would have had those moments with her here too.  Mistakes are a part of life.  No one is perfect.  

Over the past year, I have gone through so many ups and downs.  There are days that I just can't deal with stupid bullshit drama.  I have no room in my life for that.  There are other days that I'll be fine and out of the blue it hits like a sledge hammer to the face and I'm lost in a sea of tears.  Then there are the days that I'm just calm, like there has been no trauma to my soul.  

I have discovered so much about myself, both in how I see myself, and how I interact with others.  I have gained a tremendous amount of confidence.  I have leaned that life is too damn short, and I'm not going to let what someone else thinks of me, dictate the way I live my life.  I need to be true to me... not only for my own mental health, but for the sake of my kids.  They deserve to have a mom who is stable (or as stable as any of us are).

Just recently I have started to let my emotions show.  I am usually the one who will wait until the kids are in bed, or until I'm alone to think about her, just in case a tear escapes from my eye.  Not only is this putting stress on me and my family (and let's face it, making me angry), but it is preventing me from sharing some amazing stories with my kids.  They don't deserve that.  She lives on through our memories and the stories we share.  Poor Lina won't have all too many memories of her own with Nonnie, it is my job to make sure she knows the amazing person she was, and how much her grandma loved her.  

Lina and my mom had a special bond.  My mom was over the moon in love with both of my kids, but she would always say "There's just something about that Lina".  Any one of you who have met Lina, know exactly what I'm talking about.  I think some of it is that she has some of my moms spirit in her.  I can just feel it with her.

How many of you that have lost someone have heard this one??

"Time heals all wounds"  
BWWAHAHAHAH... Why don't you come over here and say that to my face. Am I right??
 
Let me be completely honest here, yes, as time passes, it does get easier to get through the day to day.  Will this "wound" ever be "healed"?  Not a chance in the whole damn world!

A friend of mine shared a really cool analogy about a ball in a box when it comes to grief.  I know I cannot do it justice so I will not even try to explain.  You can find the post here.  

I can go a week without my ball hitting the pain button sometimes, but there are other times that it feels like it's a game of Pong and that damn Atari paddle keeps hitting the ball right back to the pain button.  

All in all, every day is different, every day is a learning experience, every day I grow, and everyday I miss her.  None of these will never change.

 

Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018

That crazy holiday feeling

What a crazy couple weeks we've had in our house! I'm pretty sure we didn't stop going for 2 weeks straight!  We've passed around the head cold and stomach bug, and now it seems to be making round 2. E has now fussed for 2 days straight and A has been wound so tight from candy and the Christmas high,  it's a good thing she has a week more off of school to recover!  

Over a couple days, we somehow manage to have 6 different Christmas events, one of which was at my house for the first time this year. We usually have it at my mom's house,  but she's been so sore, there was no way she could do all the cooking and cleaning to get ready.  So, I got my first chance to host. I suppose it went ok, since everyone ate the ham I made (first time cooking it) and noone has called telling me they got food poisoning!   Only a couple little mishaps I could do without next year... 

I was unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I could put the dinner dishs in there and while putting the silverware away I noticed one didn't get all clean so I put it in the sink. As I brought my hand back, I cough my finger on a knife I had washed earlier and left in the dish drainer.  Leave it to me to find a way to get hurt putting dishes away. Needless to say, I was off dish duty for the rest of the night. Ironically,  the next morning I opened a beautiful set of wolf gang puck knives. My family wouldn't let me open them just yet!  

Tomorrow starts the next chapter of my mom's journey. Her and my dad will be leaving their house around 7am to head to Roswell for my mom's first round of chemo. She is actually looking forward to it. The doctor has said that it should help her feel better. Her arm is so swollen from the clot and the fact that the lymph nodes aren't working properly. Hopefully the doc is right. She'd be doing so much better if her arm wasn't weighing her down. She jokes all the time saying she needs her own TLC show "Life with my 600 lb arm".  Anyone out there want to set that up for us?  We're a fun bunch, I swear!

Back to work tomorrow!  It will be a nice break from the crazy!

Light Side or Dark Side...

Happy "Force Awakens" day to everyone!  What a movie! It was really good. Not gonna lie... I was a little skeptical. The last time there was a huge gap of time between movies we were introduced to Jar Jar Binks. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone since it is only opening day and there are many more people who will be going to see it, but I do have a few comments.... Harrison Ford is looking a little rough. Carrie Fisher is looking rougher, and Chewbacca looks like he hasn't aged a bit ;)  Old and new characters have come together to create a great movie. Some questions were answered and some weren't,  but a million more were raised.

Something I do have to admit about tonight was the fact that my anxiety level had gone past red to just ashes it was so high.  I know it's silly to worry, but after what happened at the dark knight movie I couldn't help it.  Obviously,  everything was ok. There was this one guy though... he was wearing one of those adult onsie pajama things that looks like Chewbacca.  He must have gone up and down the stairs next to us at least 15 times. Maybe more. And he didn't just walk nicely up and down the stairs, no sir, this young gentleman ran/stomped each time. He looked like a deer trying to outrun it's predator. There was one instance this brown fleece covered lad came bounding past us muttering something about a stormtrooper. It was almost more entertaining than the movie. Moral of this story is: go see the movie, watch out for crazies!

Mom got her port put in yesterday. She was in quite a bit of pain today, but it seems that since she has a different pain to focus on the pain in her back wasn't quite as prominent today. She'll get her start date for chemo soon, and the only thing I know right now is that it will be every 3 weeks.  Her and my dad got to watch baby E today. I'm sure she kept PopPop on his toes. Shes so busy. Into everything!  Hard to believe she's 10 months old today!  She's getting so big. Christmas is going to be a blast with her and A this year. I get to host my first holiday. I'm a little nervous, there is so much I still have to do!  All the presents need wrapped (probably should finish shopping too), we have a carpet that needs to come out, we need to clean, and I still have to work! Seems like we have something going every night. It's a bit overwhelming.

As I wrap this up tonight I'd like to ask everyone for some kind thoughts for a good friend.  Baby E's daycare provider, Stacey, lost her brother in law on Wednesday to that nasty beast cancer. Stacey and Dave took care of him until the end, and I'm sure that he is eternally, greatfull for all that they did. I've only known them a short time, but have been able to see how loving and selfless they are.  Cancer is an awful beast that doesn't discriminate. I'm so sorry for their loss, but so happy he is no longer suffering here in the physical world.

Diagnosis and Prognosis

Monday was the day... the day we were waiting for and not waiting for at the same time. The day we knew could change our world forever.   The day the world turned upside down.

It's just a number. A simple number, but that one number has a way of changing everything.  The four words that accompany that number feel like they come straight from the Devil's mouth itself.  Merely a sentence to most... until it is your reality.  Four words and a number you are never truly prepared to hear.

"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

This became our new reality Monday.

I went to work like normal, knowing that mom had her appointment at Roswell that afternoon.  I wasn't as nervous as I had been the last time she went up, I expected she would just get her chemo schedule and be on her way.  Boy was I wrong. I called her when I got out of work since I hadn't heard from her, thinking maybe they got tied up or stopped to grab a bite to eat.  There was no answer, so I just went about my routine of picking everyone up.  I picked up baby E from the sitter and then grabbed DH from work. I then stopped to get A at school and missed my mom's call. Since I was driving I waited the whopping three minuets it takes me to get home and called her as I was walking in the door. She said they were still in Buffalo and had just left Roswell. I asked how it went and got the response... "not good...".  A long pause followed that, at which point I prompted with "and..."... and that's when I heard the dreaded sentence:
"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought my heart dropped right out of my body at that minute in time.  I immediately started having a panic attack but tried as hard as possible to keep it together and get all the facts I could.

The doctor informed her that she would be getting a port to receive her chemo treatments through now and that they would schedule that for as soon as possible. While this is not the diagnosis we wanted to hear at all, but the prognosis isn't as awful as you first think it is. She wasn't given only months to live or anything. The doctor stressed that she had years.  While there is no cure for this, it's all about managing it. There is no cure for diabetes,  but people live long, full lives with that disease.  I am sure we will have mom here for a long time. It's probably more likely that she'll go out from old age or will wear out her welcome, (if you will) before this takes her from us.

I've cycled through a gazillion different emotions in the course of four days and am so beyond greatfull for the support my frinds and family offer. I have no idea where we would be without a great support system.

To my mom's close friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to support her. We're at the very beginning of a very long road, and will need all the support available. Continue to pray or send happy thoughts and know that while it's not always easy to express it, she is so thankful for the love and support. A few kind words in a message or card have a way of making someone's day a little brighter.

November 19, 2015

Anyone else out there ever have days where you know you were busy all day but feel like nothing got accomplished?  That was my day. I know I got stuff done, I guess it just wasn't the stuff I originally planned. Tomorrow is another day, and I have big plans for it!  I planned on taking a half day tomorrow as we have A's parent-teacher in the afternoon, but I'm letting A go to the program at the school so I'll have a little extra time to work. I'll probably still take a little time off and hang out with my mom or just come home and relax in the quiet as a birthday present to me.

The tooth fairy will be visiting our house tonight as A lost tooth #2!  Can you beleive how high inflation has made this payout?  Her daddy pulled it out for her before school this morning. I made my way upstairs and as I passed the bathroom I heard her singing to herself. I backed up and peeked in and saw her standing on the toilet talking to herself in the mirror. She's so excited about it. Hopefully the tooth fairy transfer will go smoothly so I can get some sleep tonight. It's pretty rough trying to make your way through the day after 2 nights with only 3-4 hours of sleep. First night was just me not being able to sleep, and last night we had a little baby who coughed herself awake, decided she was hungry and then wanted to play. That is just not gonna fly here. Mom and dad don't operate on 3rd shift. 

Tomorrow starts a new chapter at work. Today was J's last day. She's been there for 8 years, and has accepted a new position. She's staying with the agency but is going to be at a different site.  It's really nice to work for an agency that has so many opportunities. There really is something for just about everyone. J was looking for a change and was able to do so without having to start over somewhere.  We are getting someone who already works in finance and I'm sure she'll do great. She's a fast learner and very thorough. No doubt she'll do well.

Mom has had 4 radiation treatments so far. She's still in a lot of pain as they said she probably would be. They told her it would probably get worse before  it gets better. It is awful for the short term, but I'm trying to only see the long term positives.

As busy and stressful as my day was, I'm ready to start the next... definitely need some sleep first!

November 10, 2015

Thank you to all who have been following so far.  I forgot how much I enjoy doing this.  The meds seemed to help mom feel a little better today, so hopefully by the weekend she'll be feeling ok.  All the prayers and the well wishes are really helping.  It will be a long road, but she won't be traveling it alone!

Such a weird day.  I didn't have to get ready for work until 3pm and didn't go in until 3:30.  It was nice to have the day at home with E.  She was so cute.  We got to cuddle and play.  It was very weird not being at work though.  I was just going in when everyone else was going home.  Unbelievable how much work I was able to get done when no one else was there.  It was so quiet… So quiet in fact, that when the ghost made a move I was able to hear it.  That Margret caught me off guard and made me jump, but she's nothing to worry about.  I know, I sound like a nut, but there is definitely an extra person in my office!

I'm looking for a good recipe.  I bought some steak strips that said they would be good for a stir fry.  I'm thinking more of a fajita… any suggestions on what I should season the steak with?  I was thinking maybe I could just cook it with some peppers and onions… but the steak should still have some flavor I think.  I'm not so good at this cooking thing apparently lol!!  We did tacos tonight, and I made enough to have leftovers so that can make a taco ring!  We love those here!!  So easy to make and super yummy!   

I have another question… What's everyone's favorite yarn?  I've been using a lot of Caron Simply Soft, but I'm wondering what some of the others are like.  I'd hate to buy a whole skein and not like it.  Any suggestions??  Ok, time to go play with the yarn I do have… The hats aren't going to make themselves, even though that would save me so much time!!  

I kinda feel like maybe I should mention this whole Starbucks debacle. Is it really that big if a deal?  Now, this is just my personal opinion, but weren't we as Christians taught to accept people for who they are?  Whatever. I really think it's stupid that so many people are worked up over it. It's a freakin cup, not like someone forced you to get a tattoo or something.  Maybe we should focus some of that energy on some real issues. Ok, done for now ;)

 

November 9, 2015

Well, the news was not great today. They found cancer. A few more tests are still needed to be able to form a chemo plan, but she will be starting radiation on her back asap, in hopes she won't be in quite as much pain.

The call came around three... after having panic attack upon panic attack all day, her number finally flashed on my screen. I whispered to my co-worker/bff "it's her".  We talked for a little bit, as she explained what the Dr's had told her and what still needed to be done. We hung up the phone and I just sat there silently sobbing into my hands. I heard my friend ask what I had found out, but I was rendered speachless. It was all I could do to not make crazy gross crying noises. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and told her the news. I let the other people in the office know what was going on, even though they could see it written all over my face... then, a calm came over me...

Yes, the news was bad, but it wasn't as bad as what some people hear. There is a plan to move forward. She has very thorough doctors who know what they're doing. They are already setting her up to lessen the pain while they go forward to get a chemo plan in place.  I know it has already helped my mom just to have a plan.  The pain she's been in has been weighing her down, but it won't be for long.

I ended up working pretty late this evening. It was really nice being there in the quiet getting some stuff done. It was also nice to have something to focus on.  Work is going to be super busy for a while as we are going to be short staffed. It's nothing we haven't been through before, so I know we can handle it. We have a good system and a boss who is willing to help with the work load. It will be nice to put in some extra hours.

After the bad news and the working late, there was no way I was cooking. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't even boil water at this point, so it was a hot and ready pizza night in our house. Would have been good if I hadn't taken a chunk out of my lip on the first bite!!  

Seeing as its almost 10, I think I'll start the eyes on the dinosaur and then maybe head to bed. I'll be home with the baby tomorrow so I'm gonna work hard to get some crocheting done. Lots to make as the holidays approach.  Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Keep it coming, I appreciate it!

November 8, 2015

I finally got some of that darn dinosaur hat done!! Hat part is done and the spikes are half sewn on. All I have left are the eyes and the  ties. I will definitely finish it tomorrow, so I'll be able to start another.  Not sure what I'll start, but I've got a list a mile long to chose from.

Got absolutely nothing accomplished at the house today. I think my hubby washed some work clothes for me, but other than that... nothing. Had put some dinner in the crock pot, mostly just to get it warm, and headheaded to the neighbors for football and good company. Definitely forgot dinner was in the crock pot... oops! I was able to salvage some of it, but it was definitely burned.  Chicken all black and crusted to the side...  mmm, appetizing.

Here's some good news... Buffalo won today!  They squished those fish... that aren't really fish, but we call them that because it rhymes... that's fun to explain to children by the way.  The three of them just stood there staring at us when we said that. Classic. 

All in all it was a good day. Had a great time with friends, and all the kids (theirs and ours) had a great time playing together. Tomorrow is results day for my momma. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Going to relax now with a little Vicious Circle (Dane Cook) and get my laugh on! 

November 5, 2015

What a beautiful day! Hard to beleive it's Nov 5th! I feel like this year has just flown by!  I guess that's what happens when you have a bitty baby!  E was born in February, and time has just sped by since then.  

Mom had her bone scan today. I guess we wait until Monday for the results. As fast as time has been going, you know it's going to like stand still now. Crazy how that works.  Thank you for all the prayers. They are very much appreciated. 

So, I know the title of this blog says handling it... today didn't feel that way. You know how there's just some of those days where your on the edge of a breakdown and you're not sure why.  It's not that something particular happened or there was something new to worry about. Maybe it just all came to a head today.  Whatever it was, it wasn't fun. I was able to switch up my routine at work a little and that helped. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. How could it not, it's friday!  I get to wear jeans! Hey, it's the small things right! 

I absolutely have to get that dinosaur done tomorrow. I've been getting so caught up in the evenings I haven't worked on it like I should have been. We had some people over this evening and then I made dinner... I was asleep on the couch with both kids on me, wide awake, by 8pm.  We finally got them to bed and now it's gonna be lights out for Mommy and Daddy in a few minutes. 6:30 comes WAY too early! 

Again, thank you for the prayers for my momma, and thank you for taking a few minutes to listen to my story! Any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated :)

G'night!

November 2, 2015

Monday down!  Well, there's still three hours left, but I plan to be sleeping as soon as the Voice is over. I don't know about the rest of you, but for me, this Monday lived right up to the typical standard of the day! 

There is no motivation to be had for me tonight. I stopped at the store, grabbed the cat food and some dinner supplies. Came home made dinner, put A to bed and finally sat down just a few minutes ago to relax. I'm desperately hoping the dishes do themselves tonight.  Hey, we can all dream right? If I want to hope that my kitchen turns into an excerpt from Beauty and the Beast, that's my dream to dream.  I've had the grey stuff... it was delicious.

Normally on a night like tonight I would grab my hook and yarn and whip up a soft little hat but tonight I don't even feel like doing that. There's so much on my mind tonight right now. Aside from the usual... bills, messy bedrooms, laundry... I'm thinking of my momma. She had to go in for a biopsy this morning and will have to wait until next week for results. She's already been through so much, but she's one of the strongest people I know. We WILL get through whatever is next. While I'm sure that it's going to be fine, any extra prayers are welcome.

On tap for tomorrow, a super cute dinosaur hat!!  I'll be using the pattern I found here.

November 1, 2015

Even though I've done this before, I feel like I could use one of those self help books to help me get started!!  First of all, I'm going to apologize in advance for any typos I don't catch. My computer is in the 'shop' and this is coming to you tonight via a Samsung Galaxy S5! 

The kids are finally in bed and hopefully sleeping, so it's finally mommy time!   What does that mean in my house you ask... the recliner, a crochet hook, and the latest hat I'm working on. Tonight that happens to be a shark. I can't lie, I did get some crocheting done earlier today before the kids got up. I finished two Elsa hats. By the time I was done, my house was complete chaos! Both kids were up, and being that yesterday was halloween, the six year old, 'A', was already asking for candy.  The day spiraled out of control from there, as I threatened to change my name and decided I wasn't fighting anymore and let her have the candy.

So, I've decided it's time I start writing again. I've been thinking about it for a while now and couldn't come up with a theme.  I finally decided that it was just going to be about life and how I make it through my day... the light at the end of the tunnel. And right now, that beacon is crochet.

Crocheting has been something I've dabbled in for a long time. Little things here and there. Nothing huge, a bone yard of unfinished projects and yarn just everywhere in my craft room, which let's face it, is just a crap room. Now with winter upon us up here in WNY, it's time for some super cute (and cozy) hats. Time to pull out those half used skeins of yarn and use them up, because if I walk in the house with a new one before I use an old one, the hubby is gonna go nuts. Let's not even talk about his crazy obsession. That will have to be another day entirely.  

It started with me making E (the baby) a cabbage patch hat. I decided that was pretty easy, and that A needed a hat so I made an owl. Once those were done, I was at a loss of something to do. Pintrest is only fueling the fire. I'm constantly saving this pin or that. People tag me all the time in fun hats. Orders are flowing in like hot lava and I'm just over here crocheting.  Time to start a little business/group I guess. Leslie's Crocheted Cranium Covers.  Look for some cute new things!!