Day to Day

**Loss and grief are different for everyone.  I cannot begin to comment on how someone else processes their grief, all I can do is speak to my own.  

Show of hands- how many of you, who have lost someone significant in your life, realize now, you are not the same person you were?  Just me??  Didn't think so.

The day my mom passed I was catapulted into a new version of myself.  Well, if I'm being honest, when it became obvious we were going to lose her the real journey started.  You realize at that point, that you were probably a complete shit head to your loved one at one point or another.  I know I was.  Do I regret it?  Yes, but at the same time, I realize that all those ass hat moments I had, helped build the strong relationship we shared.  

It has now been 1 year and 3 and a 1/2 months since she passed.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  On the daily, I hope that I'm making decisions she would be proud of, but you know what?  I know there are going to be times she's behind me going "Leslie, what the hell are you thinking?".  It's OK though, I would have had those moments with her here too.  Mistakes are a part of life.  No one is perfect.  

Over the past year, I have gone through so many ups and downs.  There are days that I just can't deal with stupid bullshit drama.  I have no room in my life for that.  There are other days that I'll be fine and out of the blue it hits like a sledge hammer to the face and I'm lost in a sea of tears.  Then there are the days that I'm just calm, like there has been no trauma to my soul.  

I have discovered so much about myself, both in how I see myself, and how I interact with others.  I have gained a tremendous amount of confidence.  I have leaned that life is too damn short, and I'm not going to let what someone else thinks of me, dictate the way I live my life.  I need to be true to me... not only for my own mental health, but for the sake of my kids.  They deserve to have a mom who is stable (or as stable as any of us are).

Just recently I have started to let my emotions show.  I am usually the one who will wait until the kids are in bed, or until I'm alone to think about her, just in case a tear escapes from my eye.  Not only is this putting stress on me and my family (and let's face it, making me angry), but it is preventing me from sharing some amazing stories with my kids.  They don't deserve that.  She lives on through our memories and the stories we share.  Poor Lina won't have all too many memories of her own with Nonnie, it is my job to make sure she knows the amazing person she was, and how much her grandma loved her.  

Lina and my mom had a special bond.  My mom was over the moon in love with both of my kids, but she would always say "There's just something about that Lina".  Any one of you who have met Lina, know exactly what I'm talking about.  I think some of it is that she has some of my moms spirit in her.  I can just feel it with her.

How many of you that have lost someone have heard this one??

"Time heals all wounds"  
BWWAHAHAHAH... Why don't you come over here and say that to my face. Am I right??
 
Let me be completely honest here, yes, as time passes, it does get easier to get through the day to day.  Will this "wound" ever be "healed"?  Not a chance in the whole damn world!

A friend of mine shared a really cool analogy about a ball in a box when it comes to grief.  I know I cannot do it justice so I will not even try to explain.  You can find the post here.  

I can go a week without my ball hitting the pain button sometimes, but there are other times that it feels like it's a game of Pong and that damn Atari paddle keeps hitting the ball right back to the pain button.  

All in all, every day is different, every day is a learning experience, every day I grow, and everyday I miss her.  None of these will never change.

 

Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018

Phone Lines Down

The last time I was able to speak to my mom on the phone was December 18th.   I used to talk to my mom on the phone multiple times a day.  Every time I had a question, did something I was proud of, wanted to share something about my kids, or just have a little chat- I called her.  Only her.  She was the one who I wanted to call.  I now sit by her bed and talk to her.  It's a very one sided conversation, but I will take all the opportunity that I have.  I  am losing one of my best friends.

Every step of this journey has opened my eyes even more.  I never imagined that my emotions could do this to me.  I've had 2 kids, and experienced some wild mood swings (just ask my husband about the hot dog incident!), and for me, this is is harder on my moods.

I have turned into a complete ass hole.  I am completely unable, most of the time, to find or give happiness.  Sadly, this seems to happen to the people who are taking the most care of me.  The people that I love the most, and appreciate more than I could ever express.  I hate being this way.  I don't do it on purpose, I just can't stop the nastiness from coming out of my mouth.  As soon as it leaves, I realize it's come out wrong.  I am so sorry to anyone that has been on the receiving end of this for trying to do something nice for me.  To my husband and kids: I do love and appreciate you, I'm just having a very hard time seeing past my own grief to act correctly.

I do appreciate the help and guidance I am getting from people who have been through this.  I told my husband that it's like a weird club I been put into.  I told my friend Char (who lost her momma many years ago 💜) and she said "It is like a secret club that you were initiated into but don’t want to be in it".  Boom!  Nail hit right on the head. Worst club I've ever been a part of, but most supportive group of people by far.  

Public Service Announcement #1... I am sorry in advance for snapping (or Sorry, not sorry), but I am completely unable to put up with stupid drama.  Drama llamas are my least favorite animal.

Public service announcement #2...  When you complain about your mom, or what she did, or how she's a pain, etc... Just remember, you have one.  Only ONE,  and it will not be the same when she's gone.  

 

Am I Breathing?

Have you ever had one of those panic attacks that makes you feel light headed, like you can't breathe?  I'm pretty sure I'm just living in one.

Having to watch someone you love in pain is never fun... Having to watch the woman who gave you life and taught you how to be the person you are today in pain? Heart wrenching.

"Life is the art of dying" ~Atticus

Over the course of the last 2 years, the hubs and I have talked about death, in a way, trying to prepare ourselves for the point in time where death would come. Both of us being very logical in how we think about life, we know that eventually death will come for all of us, and life will go on for those left behind. Dear God, it is so much harder than that!

I had to explain to A the other day what was happening. She's 8, and she knows, but her beautiful little positive mind was sure there was a way for her Nonnie to get better again.  It really broke my heart having to tell her that most likely her Nonnie won't be here within the next couple weeks.  We talked about how it's ok for her to cry or not cry. She can be sad or mad.  It is ok for her to feel any way she wants about this.  She seems to have chosen sad.  As I was leaving today to sit with mom, A was crying because she wanted to visit too.  I wouldn't let her come.  I don't know if I've made the right choice in not letting her visit, but she's so young.  She knows what's happening... I guess I just don't want her to have this picture in her head forever.

E on the other hand, knows that Nonnie is sick, but at not quite 3 years old, she doesn't understand what's going on.  I made sure she was able to face time with mom the other night to tell her she loves her and blow kisses.  I know at this point that doesn't matter to E, but she may some day ask if she got to say goodbye, and I would like to be able to tell her she did.

To all my friends and co-workers: Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions especially over the last few weeks.

To my in laws and extended family: Thank you for being there to help with the kids and whatever we need.  We are lucky to have you in our world.

To my husband: I don't know what I would do right now without you supporting me.  You have been my rock.  I know there is still a ways to go, but with your help, I will get through it.  I know I have been a lot to deal with lately, for that I am sorry, I love you.

To my sister: I am so sorry that you are not here.  I'm so proud of you for getting out of town and having a great job.  You are making some amazing memories and you deserve to be happy.

To my dad: You are amazing.  Mom has been so lucky to have you here with her through the entire process.  I know she can't express it, but I know she appreciates it.  Thank you for taking early retirement and making sure that mom had everything she needed.  I love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and us.

 Mom: I know you won't read this, but you need to know I love you more than words can express.  You gave us a great life growing up, and then helped give my daughters a great life.  I'm so sorry for the way I acted growing up.  I know it was just teenage things, but if I could take it back and redo it I would.  Thank you for everything you have given me.  I could not have asked for a better life with you.  I know you are in pain, and I just don't want to see you suffer any more.  We are all ok, whenever you are ready.  We love you. 

Guess who's back?!

So, apparently I've been on a bit of a hiatus, but I'm back (and I'm rad, giving you something that you've never had)... I know some of you got that whether you want to admit or not.

I've got some fantastic new post coming in the near future ( their gonna make you jump, jump...)  sorry, I had to. Make sure you check back often!

*Update*
Mom had her second chemo yesterday. She's exhausted,  as you could probably imagine, but she's doing well.  I was able to take the baby over to see her the other day. It was so great to see them together. E wasn't quite sure about the no hair at first, but then apparently decided that anyone who has the same 'do as her, can't be too bad.  Ugh, I'm gonna be taping bows to E's head forever it seems.

Sorry for the crazy Kris Kross references tonight.  Hopefully all my early 90s people will appreciate it.

That crazy holiday feeling

What a crazy couple weeks we've had in our house! I'm pretty sure we didn't stop going for 2 weeks straight!  We've passed around the head cold and stomach bug, and now it seems to be making round 2. E has now fussed for 2 days straight and A has been wound so tight from candy and the Christmas high,  it's a good thing she has a week more off of school to recover!  

Over a couple days, we somehow manage to have 6 different Christmas events, one of which was at my house for the first time this year. We usually have it at my mom's house,  but she's been so sore, there was no way she could do all the cooking and cleaning to get ready.  So, I got my first chance to host. I suppose it went ok, since everyone ate the ham I made (first time cooking it) and noone has called telling me they got food poisoning!   Only a couple little mishaps I could do without next year... 

I was unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I could put the dinner dishs in there and while putting the silverware away I noticed one didn't get all clean so I put it in the sink. As I brought my hand back, I cough my finger on a knife I had washed earlier and left in the dish drainer.  Leave it to me to find a way to get hurt putting dishes away. Needless to say, I was off dish duty for the rest of the night. Ironically,  the next morning I opened a beautiful set of wolf gang puck knives. My family wouldn't let me open them just yet!  

Tomorrow starts the next chapter of my mom's journey. Her and my dad will be leaving their house around 7am to head to Roswell for my mom's first round of chemo. She is actually looking forward to it. The doctor has said that it should help her feel better. Her arm is so swollen from the clot and the fact that the lymph nodes aren't working properly. Hopefully the doc is right. She'd be doing so much better if her arm wasn't weighing her down. She jokes all the time saying she needs her own TLC show "Life with my 600 lb arm".  Anyone out there want to set that up for us?  We're a fun bunch, I swear!

Back to work tomorrow!  It will be a nice break from the crazy!

Light Side or Dark Side...

Happy "Force Awakens" day to everyone!  What a movie! It was really good. Not gonna lie... I was a little skeptical. The last time there was a huge gap of time between movies we were introduced to Jar Jar Binks. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone since it is only opening day and there are many more people who will be going to see it, but I do have a few comments.... Harrison Ford is looking a little rough. Carrie Fisher is looking rougher, and Chewbacca looks like he hasn't aged a bit ;)  Old and new characters have come together to create a great movie. Some questions were answered and some weren't,  but a million more were raised.

Something I do have to admit about tonight was the fact that my anxiety level had gone past red to just ashes it was so high.  I know it's silly to worry, but after what happened at the dark knight movie I couldn't help it.  Obviously,  everything was ok. There was this one guy though... he was wearing one of those adult onsie pajama things that looks like Chewbacca.  He must have gone up and down the stairs next to us at least 15 times. Maybe more. And he didn't just walk nicely up and down the stairs, no sir, this young gentleman ran/stomped each time. He looked like a deer trying to outrun it's predator. There was one instance this brown fleece covered lad came bounding past us muttering something about a stormtrooper. It was almost more entertaining than the movie. Moral of this story is: go see the movie, watch out for crazies!

Mom got her port put in yesterday. She was in quite a bit of pain today, but it seems that since she has a different pain to focus on the pain in her back wasn't quite as prominent today. She'll get her start date for chemo soon, and the only thing I know right now is that it will be every 3 weeks.  Her and my dad got to watch baby E today. I'm sure she kept PopPop on his toes. Shes so busy. Into everything!  Hard to believe she's 10 months old today!  She's getting so big. Christmas is going to be a blast with her and A this year. I get to host my first holiday. I'm a little nervous, there is so much I still have to do!  All the presents need wrapped (probably should finish shopping too), we have a carpet that needs to come out, we need to clean, and I still have to work! Seems like we have something going every night. It's a bit overwhelming.

As I wrap this up tonight I'd like to ask everyone for some kind thoughts for a good friend.  Baby E's daycare provider, Stacey, lost her brother in law on Wednesday to that nasty beast cancer. Stacey and Dave took care of him until the end, and I'm sure that he is eternally, greatfull for all that they did. I've only known them a short time, but have been able to see how loving and selfless they are.  Cancer is an awful beast that doesn't discriminate. I'm so sorry for their loss, but so happy he is no longer suffering here in the physical world.

Diagnosis and Prognosis

Monday was the day... the day we were waiting for and not waiting for at the same time. The day we knew could change our world forever.   The day the world turned upside down.

It's just a number. A simple number, but that one number has a way of changing everything.  The four words that accompany that number feel like they come straight from the Devil's mouth itself.  Merely a sentence to most... until it is your reality.  Four words and a number you are never truly prepared to hear.

"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

This became our new reality Monday.

I went to work like normal, knowing that mom had her appointment at Roswell that afternoon.  I wasn't as nervous as I had been the last time she went up, I expected she would just get her chemo schedule and be on her way.  Boy was I wrong. I called her when I got out of work since I hadn't heard from her, thinking maybe they got tied up or stopped to grab a bite to eat.  There was no answer, so I just went about my routine of picking everyone up.  I picked up baby E from the sitter and then grabbed DH from work. I then stopped to get A at school and missed my mom's call. Since I was driving I waited the whopping three minuets it takes me to get home and called her as I was walking in the door. She said they were still in Buffalo and had just left Roswell. I asked how it went and got the response... "not good...".  A long pause followed that, at which point I prompted with "and..."... and that's when I heard the dreaded sentence:
"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought my heart dropped right out of my body at that minute in time.  I immediately started having a panic attack but tried as hard as possible to keep it together and get all the facts I could.

The doctor informed her that she would be getting a port to receive her chemo treatments through now and that they would schedule that for as soon as possible. While this is not the diagnosis we wanted to hear at all, but the prognosis isn't as awful as you first think it is. She wasn't given only months to live or anything. The doctor stressed that she had years.  While there is no cure for this, it's all about managing it. There is no cure for diabetes,  but people live long, full lives with that disease.  I am sure we will have mom here for a long time. It's probably more likely that she'll go out from old age or will wear out her welcome, (if you will) before this takes her from us.

I've cycled through a gazillion different emotions in the course of four days and am so beyond greatfull for the support my frinds and family offer. I have no idea where we would be without a great support system.

To my mom's close friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to support her. We're at the very beginning of a very long road, and will need all the support available. Continue to pray or send happy thoughts and know that while it's not always easy to express it, she is so thankful for the love and support. A few kind words in a message or card have a way of making someone's day a little brighter.

November 10, 2015

Thank you to all who have been following so far.  I forgot how much I enjoy doing this.  The meds seemed to help mom feel a little better today, so hopefully by the weekend she'll be feeling ok.  All the prayers and the well wishes are really helping.  It will be a long road, but she won't be traveling it alone!

Such a weird day.  I didn't have to get ready for work until 3pm and didn't go in until 3:30.  It was nice to have the day at home with E.  She was so cute.  We got to cuddle and play.  It was very weird not being at work though.  I was just going in when everyone else was going home.  Unbelievable how much work I was able to get done when no one else was there.  It was so quiet… So quiet in fact, that when the ghost made a move I was able to hear it.  That Margret caught me off guard and made me jump, but she's nothing to worry about.  I know, I sound like a nut, but there is definitely an extra person in my office!

I'm looking for a good recipe.  I bought some steak strips that said they would be good for a stir fry.  I'm thinking more of a fajita… any suggestions on what I should season the steak with?  I was thinking maybe I could just cook it with some peppers and onions… but the steak should still have some flavor I think.  I'm not so good at this cooking thing apparently lol!!  We did tacos tonight, and I made enough to have leftovers so that can make a taco ring!  We love those here!!  So easy to make and super yummy!   

I have another question… What's everyone's favorite yarn?  I've been using a lot of Caron Simply Soft, but I'm wondering what some of the others are like.  I'd hate to buy a whole skein and not like it.  Any suggestions??  Ok, time to go play with the yarn I do have… The hats aren't going to make themselves, even though that would save me so much time!!  

I kinda feel like maybe I should mention this whole Starbucks debacle. Is it really that big if a deal?  Now, this is just my personal opinion, but weren't we as Christians taught to accept people for who they are?  Whatever. I really think it's stupid that so many people are worked up over it. It's a freakin cup, not like someone forced you to get a tattoo or something.  Maybe we should focus some of that energy on some real issues. Ok, done for now ;)