Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018

Diagnosis and Prognosis

Monday was the day... the day we were waiting for and not waiting for at the same time. The day we knew could change our world forever.   The day the world turned upside down.

It's just a number. A simple number, but that one number has a way of changing everything.  The four words that accompany that number feel like they come straight from the Devil's mouth itself.  Merely a sentence to most... until it is your reality.  Four words and a number you are never truly prepared to hear.

"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

This became our new reality Monday.

I went to work like normal, knowing that mom had her appointment at Roswell that afternoon.  I wasn't as nervous as I had been the last time she went up, I expected she would just get her chemo schedule and be on her way.  Boy was I wrong. I called her when I got out of work since I hadn't heard from her, thinking maybe they got tied up or stopped to grab a bite to eat.  There was no answer, so I just went about my routine of picking everyone up.  I picked up baby E from the sitter and then grabbed DH from work. I then stopped to get A at school and missed my mom's call. Since I was driving I waited the whopping three minuets it takes me to get home and called her as I was walking in the door. She said they were still in Buffalo and had just left Roswell. I asked how it went and got the response... "not good...".  A long pause followed that, at which point I prompted with "and..."... and that's when I heard the dreaded sentence:
"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought my heart dropped right out of my body at that minute in time.  I immediately started having a panic attack but tried as hard as possible to keep it together and get all the facts I could.

The doctor informed her that she would be getting a port to receive her chemo treatments through now and that they would schedule that for as soon as possible. While this is not the diagnosis we wanted to hear at all, but the prognosis isn't as awful as you first think it is. She wasn't given only months to live or anything. The doctor stressed that she had years.  While there is no cure for this, it's all about managing it. There is no cure for diabetes,  but people live long, full lives with that disease.  I am sure we will have mom here for a long time. It's probably more likely that she'll go out from old age or will wear out her welcome, (if you will) before this takes her from us.

I've cycled through a gazillion different emotions in the course of four days and am so beyond greatfull for the support my frinds and family offer. I have no idea where we would be without a great support system.

To my mom's close friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to support her. We're at the very beginning of a very long road, and will need all the support available. Continue to pray or send happy thoughts and know that while it's not always easy to express it, she is so thankful for the love and support. A few kind words in a message or card have a way of making someone's day a little brighter.