**Loss and grief are different for everyone. I cannot begin to comment on how someone else processes their grief, all I can do is speak to my own.
Show of hands- how many of you, who have lost someone significant in your life, realize now, you are not the same person you were? Just me?? Didn't think so.
The day my mom passed I was catapulted into a new version of myself. Well, if I'm being honest, when it became obvious we were going to lose her the real journey started. You realize at that point, that you were probably a complete shit head to your loved one at one point or another. I know I was. Do I regret it? Yes, but at the same time, I realize that all those ass hat moments I had, helped build the strong relationship we shared.
It has now been 1 year and 3 and a 1/2 months since she passed. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. On the daily, I hope that I'm making decisions she would be proud of, but you know what? I know there are going to be times she's behind me going "Leslie, what the hell are you thinking?". It's OK though, I would have had those moments with her here too. Mistakes are a part of life. No one is perfect.
Over the past year, I have gone through so many ups and downs. There are days that I just can't deal with stupid bullshit drama. I have no room in my life for that. There are other days that I'll be fine and out of the blue it hits like a sledge hammer to the face and I'm lost in a sea of tears. Then there are the days that I'm just calm, like there has been no trauma to my soul.
I have discovered so much about myself, both in how I see myself, and how I interact with others. I have gained a tremendous amount of confidence. I have leaned that life is too damn short, and I'm not going to let what someone else thinks of me, dictate the way I live my life. I need to be true to me... not only for my own mental health, but for the sake of my kids. They deserve to have a mom who is stable (or as stable as any of us are).
Just recently I have started to let my emotions show. I am usually the one who will wait until the kids are in bed, or until I'm alone to think about her, just in case a tear escapes from my eye. Not only is this putting stress on me and my family (and let's face it, making me angry), but it is preventing me from sharing some amazing stories with my kids. They don't deserve that. She lives on through our memories and the stories we share. Poor Lina won't have all too many memories of her own with Nonnie, it is my job to make sure she knows the amazing person she was, and how much her grandma loved her.
Lina and my mom had a special bond. My mom was over the moon in love with both of my kids, but she would always say "There's just something about that Lina". Any one of you who have met Lina, know exactly what I'm talking about. I think some of it is that she has some of my moms spirit in her. I can just feel it with her.
How many of you that have lost someone have heard this one??
"Time heals all wounds"
BWWAHAHAHAH... Why don't you come over here and say that to my face. Am I right??
Let me be completely honest here, yes, as time passes, it does get easier to get through the day to day. Will this "wound" ever be "healed"? Not a chance in the whole damn world!
A friend of mine shared a really cool analogy about a ball in a box when it comes to grief. I know I cannot do it justice so I will not even try to explain. You can find the post here.
I can go a week without my ball hitting the pain button sometimes, but there are other times that it feels like it's a game of Pong and that damn Atari paddle keeps hitting the ball right back to the pain button.
All in all, every day is different, every day is a learning experience, every day I grow, and everyday I miss her. None of these will never change.
Showing posts with label parent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parent. Show all posts
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Walking With Angels
It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me. My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.
Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling. Obviously, I'm sad. Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am. But I'm not just feeling sad. I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...
The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief. It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more. Sunday came and went. I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister. Monday I went back to work for a half day. Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.
The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper. It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it. That was the day that it became real. The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in. I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her. This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma. The mom I have known my whole life. The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.
I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family. Thank you so much to all of you. Your love and support has helped me tremendously.
Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling. Obviously, I'm sad. Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am. But I'm not just feeling sad. I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...
The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief. It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more. Sunday came and went. I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister. Monday I went back to work for a half day. Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.
The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper. It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it. That was the day that it became real. The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in. I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her. This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma. The mom I have known my whole life. The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.
I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time. To have a hug. To watch her love on my kids. To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E. That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her. I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me. It's killing me that I can't feel her here.
I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family. Thank you so much to all of you. Your love and support has helped me tremendously.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Am I Breathing?
Have you ever had one of those panic attacks that makes you feel light headed, like you can't breathe? I'm pretty sure I'm just living in one.
Having to watch someone you love in pain is never fun... Having to watch the woman who gave you life and taught you how to be the person you are today in pain? Heart wrenching.
"Life is the art of dying" ~Atticus
Over the course of the last 2 years, the hubs and I have talked about death, in a way, trying to prepare ourselves for the point in time where death would come. Both of us being very logical in how we think about life, we know that eventually death will come for all of us, and life will go on for those left behind. Dear God, it is so much harder than that!
I had to explain to A the other day what was happening. She's 8, and she knows, but her beautiful little positive mind was sure there was a way for her Nonnie to get better again. It really broke my heart having to tell her that most likely her Nonnie won't be here within the next couple weeks. We talked about how it's ok for her to cry or not cry. She can be sad or mad. It is ok for her to feel any way she wants about this. She seems to have chosen sad. As I was leaving today to sit with mom, A was crying because she wanted to visit too. I wouldn't let her come. I don't know if I've made the right choice in not letting her visit, but she's so young. She knows what's happening... I guess I just don't want her to have this picture in her head forever.
E on the other hand, knows that Nonnie is sick, but at not quite 3 years old, she doesn't understand what's going on. I made sure she was able to face time with mom the other night to tell her she loves her and blow kisses. I know at this point that doesn't matter to E, but she may some day ask if she got to say goodbye, and I would like to be able to tell her she did.
To all my friends and co-workers: Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions especially over the last few weeks.
To my in laws and extended family: Thank you for being there to help with the kids and whatever we need. We are lucky to have you in our world.
To my husband: I don't know what I would do right now without you supporting me. You have been my rock. I know there is still a ways to go, but with your help, I will get through it. I know I have been a lot to deal with lately, for that I am sorry, I love you.
To my sister: I am so sorry that you are not here. I'm so proud of you for getting out of town and having a great job. You are making some amazing memories and you deserve to be happy.
To my dad: You are amazing. Mom has been so lucky to have you here with her through the entire process. I know she can't express it, but I know she appreciates it. Thank you for taking early retirement and making sure that mom had everything she needed. I love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and us.
Mom: I know you won't read this, but you need to know I love you more than words can express. You gave us a great life growing up, and then helped give my daughters a great life. I'm so sorry for the way I acted growing up. I know it was just teenage things, but if I could take it back and redo it I would. Thank you for everything you have given me. I could not have asked for a better life with you. I know you are in pain, and I just don't want to see you suffer any more. We are all ok, whenever you are ready. We love you.
Having to watch someone you love in pain is never fun... Having to watch the woman who gave you life and taught you how to be the person you are today in pain? Heart wrenching.
"Life is the art of dying" ~Atticus
Over the course of the last 2 years, the hubs and I have talked about death, in a way, trying to prepare ourselves for the point in time where death would come. Both of us being very logical in how we think about life, we know that eventually death will come for all of us, and life will go on for those left behind. Dear God, it is so much harder than that!
I had to explain to A the other day what was happening. She's 8, and she knows, but her beautiful little positive mind was sure there was a way for her Nonnie to get better again. It really broke my heart having to tell her that most likely her Nonnie won't be here within the next couple weeks. We talked about how it's ok for her to cry or not cry. She can be sad or mad. It is ok for her to feel any way she wants about this. She seems to have chosen sad. As I was leaving today to sit with mom, A was crying because she wanted to visit too. I wouldn't let her come. I don't know if I've made the right choice in not letting her visit, but she's so young. She knows what's happening... I guess I just don't want her to have this picture in her head forever.
E on the other hand, knows that Nonnie is sick, but at not quite 3 years old, she doesn't understand what's going on. I made sure she was able to face time with mom the other night to tell her she loves her and blow kisses. I know at this point that doesn't matter to E, but she may some day ask if she got to say goodbye, and I would like to be able to tell her she did.
To all my friends and co-workers: Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions especially over the last few weeks.
To my in laws and extended family: Thank you for being there to help with the kids and whatever we need. We are lucky to have you in our world.
To my husband: I don't know what I would do right now without you supporting me. You have been my rock. I know there is still a ways to go, but with your help, I will get through it. I know I have been a lot to deal with lately, for that I am sorry, I love you.
To my sister: I am so sorry that you are not here. I'm so proud of you for getting out of town and having a great job. You are making some amazing memories and you deserve to be happy.
To my dad: You are amazing. Mom has been so lucky to have you here with her through the entire process. I know she can't express it, but I know she appreciates it. Thank you for taking early retirement and making sure that mom had everything she needed. I love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and us.
Mom: I know you won't read this, but you need to know I love you more than words can express. You gave us a great life growing up, and then helped give my daughters a great life. I'm so sorry for the way I acted growing up. I know it was just teenage things, but if I could take it back and redo it I would. Thank you for everything you have given me. I could not have asked for a better life with you. I know you are in pain, and I just don't want to see you suffer any more. We are all ok, whenever you are ready. We love you.
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