Day to Day

**Loss and grief are different for everyone.  I cannot begin to comment on how someone else processes their grief, all I can do is speak to my own.  

Show of hands- how many of you, who have lost someone significant in your life, realize now, you are not the same person you were?  Just me??  Didn't think so.

The day my mom passed I was catapulted into a new version of myself.  Well, if I'm being honest, when it became obvious we were going to lose her the real journey started.  You realize at that point, that you were probably a complete shit head to your loved one at one point or another.  I know I was.  Do I regret it?  Yes, but at the same time, I realize that all those ass hat moments I had, helped build the strong relationship we shared.  

It has now been 1 year and 3 and a 1/2 months since she passed.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  On the daily, I hope that I'm making decisions she would be proud of, but you know what?  I know there are going to be times she's behind me going "Leslie, what the hell are you thinking?".  It's OK though, I would have had those moments with her here too.  Mistakes are a part of life.  No one is perfect.  

Over the past year, I have gone through so many ups and downs.  There are days that I just can't deal with stupid bullshit drama.  I have no room in my life for that.  There are other days that I'll be fine and out of the blue it hits like a sledge hammer to the face and I'm lost in a sea of tears.  Then there are the days that I'm just calm, like there has been no trauma to my soul.  

I have discovered so much about myself, both in how I see myself, and how I interact with others.  I have gained a tremendous amount of confidence.  I have leaned that life is too damn short, and I'm not going to let what someone else thinks of me, dictate the way I live my life.  I need to be true to me... not only for my own mental health, but for the sake of my kids.  They deserve to have a mom who is stable (or as stable as any of us are).

Just recently I have started to let my emotions show.  I am usually the one who will wait until the kids are in bed, or until I'm alone to think about her, just in case a tear escapes from my eye.  Not only is this putting stress on me and my family (and let's face it, making me angry), but it is preventing me from sharing some amazing stories with my kids.  They don't deserve that.  She lives on through our memories and the stories we share.  Poor Lina won't have all too many memories of her own with Nonnie, it is my job to make sure she knows the amazing person she was, and how much her grandma loved her.  

Lina and my mom had a special bond.  My mom was over the moon in love with both of my kids, but she would always say "There's just something about that Lina".  Any one of you who have met Lina, know exactly what I'm talking about.  I think some of it is that she has some of my moms spirit in her.  I can just feel it with her.

How many of you that have lost someone have heard this one??

"Time heals all wounds"  
BWWAHAHAHAH... Why don't you come over here and say that to my face. Am I right??
 
Let me be completely honest here, yes, as time passes, it does get easier to get through the day to day.  Will this "wound" ever be "healed"?  Not a chance in the whole damn world!

A friend of mine shared a really cool analogy about a ball in a box when it comes to grief.  I know I cannot do it justice so I will not even try to explain.  You can find the post here.  

I can go a week without my ball hitting the pain button sometimes, but there are other times that it feels like it's a game of Pong and that damn Atari paddle keeps hitting the ball right back to the pain button.  

All in all, every day is different, every day is a learning experience, every day I grow, and everyday I miss her.  None of these will never change.

 

Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018