Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018

Phone Lines Down

The last time I was able to speak to my mom on the phone was December 18th.   I used to talk to my mom on the phone multiple times a day.  Every time I had a question, did something I was proud of, wanted to share something about my kids, or just have a little chat- I called her.  Only her.  She was the one who I wanted to call.  I now sit by her bed and talk to her.  It's a very one sided conversation, but I will take all the opportunity that I have.  I  am losing one of my best friends.

Every step of this journey has opened my eyes even more.  I never imagined that my emotions could do this to me.  I've had 2 kids, and experienced some wild mood swings (just ask my husband about the hot dog incident!), and for me, this is is harder on my moods.

I have turned into a complete ass hole.  I am completely unable, most of the time, to find or give happiness.  Sadly, this seems to happen to the people who are taking the most care of me.  The people that I love the most, and appreciate more than I could ever express.  I hate being this way.  I don't do it on purpose, I just can't stop the nastiness from coming out of my mouth.  As soon as it leaves, I realize it's come out wrong.  I am so sorry to anyone that has been on the receiving end of this for trying to do something nice for me.  To my husband and kids: I do love and appreciate you, I'm just having a very hard time seeing past my own grief to act correctly.

I do appreciate the help and guidance I am getting from people who have been through this.  I told my husband that it's like a weird club I been put into.  I told my friend Char (who lost her momma many years ago 💜) and she said "It is like a secret club that you were initiated into but don’t want to be in it".  Boom!  Nail hit right on the head. Worst club I've ever been a part of, but most supportive group of people by far.  

Public Service Announcement #1... I am sorry in advance for snapping (or Sorry, not sorry), but I am completely unable to put up with stupid drama.  Drama llamas are my least favorite animal.

Public service announcement #2...  When you complain about your mom, or what she did, or how she's a pain, etc... Just remember, you have one.  Only ONE,  and it will not be the same when she's gone.  

 

Am I Breathing?

Have you ever had one of those panic attacks that makes you feel light headed, like you can't breathe?  I'm pretty sure I'm just living in one.

Having to watch someone you love in pain is never fun... Having to watch the woman who gave you life and taught you how to be the person you are today in pain? Heart wrenching.

"Life is the art of dying" ~Atticus

Over the course of the last 2 years, the hubs and I have talked about death, in a way, trying to prepare ourselves for the point in time where death would come. Both of us being very logical in how we think about life, we know that eventually death will come for all of us, and life will go on for those left behind. Dear God, it is so much harder than that!

I had to explain to A the other day what was happening. She's 8, and she knows, but her beautiful little positive mind was sure there was a way for her Nonnie to get better again.  It really broke my heart having to tell her that most likely her Nonnie won't be here within the next couple weeks.  We talked about how it's ok for her to cry or not cry. She can be sad or mad.  It is ok for her to feel any way she wants about this.  She seems to have chosen sad.  As I was leaving today to sit with mom, A was crying because she wanted to visit too.  I wouldn't let her come.  I don't know if I've made the right choice in not letting her visit, but she's so young.  She knows what's happening... I guess I just don't want her to have this picture in her head forever.

E on the other hand, knows that Nonnie is sick, but at not quite 3 years old, she doesn't understand what's going on.  I made sure she was able to face time with mom the other night to tell her she loves her and blow kisses.  I know at this point that doesn't matter to E, but she may some day ask if she got to say goodbye, and I would like to be able to tell her she did.

To all my friends and co-workers: Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions especially over the last few weeks.

To my in laws and extended family: Thank you for being there to help with the kids and whatever we need.  We are lucky to have you in our world.

To my husband: I don't know what I would do right now without you supporting me.  You have been my rock.  I know there is still a ways to go, but with your help, I will get through it.  I know I have been a lot to deal with lately, for that I am sorry, I love you.

To my sister: I am so sorry that you are not here.  I'm so proud of you for getting out of town and having a great job.  You are making some amazing memories and you deserve to be happy.

To my dad: You are amazing.  Mom has been so lucky to have you here with her through the entire process.  I know she can't express it, but I know she appreciates it.  Thank you for taking early retirement and making sure that mom had everything she needed.  I love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and us.

 Mom: I know you won't read this, but you need to know I love you more than words can express.  You gave us a great life growing up, and then helped give my daughters a great life.  I'm so sorry for the way I acted growing up.  I know it was just teenage things, but if I could take it back and redo it I would.  Thank you for everything you have given me.  I could not have asked for a better life with you.  I know you are in pain, and I just don't want to see you suffer any more.  We are all ok, whenever you are ready.  We love you. 

That crazy holiday feeling

What a crazy couple weeks we've had in our house! I'm pretty sure we didn't stop going for 2 weeks straight!  We've passed around the head cold and stomach bug, and now it seems to be making round 2. E has now fussed for 2 days straight and A has been wound so tight from candy and the Christmas high,  it's a good thing she has a week more off of school to recover!  

Over a couple days, we somehow manage to have 6 different Christmas events, one of which was at my house for the first time this year. We usually have it at my mom's house,  but she's been so sore, there was no way she could do all the cooking and cleaning to get ready.  So, I got my first chance to host. I suppose it went ok, since everyone ate the ham I made (first time cooking it) and noone has called telling me they got food poisoning!   Only a couple little mishaps I could do without next year... 

I was unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I could put the dinner dishs in there and while putting the silverware away I noticed one didn't get all clean so I put it in the sink. As I brought my hand back, I cough my finger on a knife I had washed earlier and left in the dish drainer.  Leave it to me to find a way to get hurt putting dishes away. Needless to say, I was off dish duty for the rest of the night. Ironically,  the next morning I opened a beautiful set of wolf gang puck knives. My family wouldn't let me open them just yet!  

Tomorrow starts the next chapter of my mom's journey. Her and my dad will be leaving their house around 7am to head to Roswell for my mom's first round of chemo. She is actually looking forward to it. The doctor has said that it should help her feel better. Her arm is so swollen from the clot and the fact that the lymph nodes aren't working properly. Hopefully the doc is right. She'd be doing so much better if her arm wasn't weighing her down. She jokes all the time saying she needs her own TLC show "Life with my 600 lb arm".  Anyone out there want to set that up for us?  We're a fun bunch, I swear!

Back to work tomorrow!  It will be a nice break from the crazy!

Diagnosis and Prognosis

Monday was the day... the day we were waiting for and not waiting for at the same time. The day we knew could change our world forever.   The day the world turned upside down.

It's just a number. A simple number, but that one number has a way of changing everything.  The four words that accompany that number feel like they come straight from the Devil's mouth itself.  Merely a sentence to most... until it is your reality.  Four words and a number you are never truly prepared to hear.

"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

This became our new reality Monday.

I went to work like normal, knowing that mom had her appointment at Roswell that afternoon.  I wasn't as nervous as I had been the last time she went up, I expected she would just get her chemo schedule and be on her way.  Boy was I wrong. I called her when I got out of work since I hadn't heard from her, thinking maybe they got tied up or stopped to grab a bite to eat.  There was no answer, so I just went about my routine of picking everyone up.  I picked up baby E from the sitter and then grabbed DH from work. I then stopped to get A at school and missed my mom's call. Since I was driving I waited the whopping three minuets it takes me to get home and called her as I was walking in the door. She said they were still in Buffalo and had just left Roswell. I asked how it went and got the response... "not good...".  A long pause followed that, at which point I prompted with "and..."... and that's when I heard the dreaded sentence:
"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought my heart dropped right out of my body at that minute in time.  I immediately started having a panic attack but tried as hard as possible to keep it together and get all the facts I could.

The doctor informed her that she would be getting a port to receive her chemo treatments through now and that they would schedule that for as soon as possible. While this is not the diagnosis we wanted to hear at all, but the prognosis isn't as awful as you first think it is. She wasn't given only months to live or anything. The doctor stressed that she had years.  While there is no cure for this, it's all about managing it. There is no cure for diabetes,  but people live long, full lives with that disease.  I am sure we will have mom here for a long time. It's probably more likely that she'll go out from old age or will wear out her welcome, (if you will) before this takes her from us.

I've cycled through a gazillion different emotions in the course of four days and am so beyond greatfull for the support my frinds and family offer. I have no idea where we would be without a great support system.

To my mom's close friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to support her. We're at the very beginning of a very long road, and will need all the support available. Continue to pray or send happy thoughts and know that while it's not always easy to express it, she is so thankful for the love and support. A few kind words in a message or card have a way of making someone's day a little brighter.