Quiet Sounds

Mom,

As I sit here listening to a song that you loved and introduced me to, I long for you to be able to hear this version. I could never fully appreciate the words of this song until I heard this version. Especially now, now that you've gone... These words hit me like a wave crashing in from the ocean every time... The Sound of Silence is louder than any other.

You have experienced something that all of us will at some point.  No one knows their time, but it is an inevitable finality we all must face.  The one single finality that, ironically, cannot be described or shared with anyone before their turn to face it.

It has been almost 6 years since you left us here in the physical world, but I know your spirit is still here. I may miss some, but I do see your signs... The song that plays at just the right time, or the movement of red in the trees that catches my eye as that beautiful cardinal finds it's spot just out of reach. Close enough to keep a watchful eye on me.  I am appreciative that you keep a respectful distance when it comes to the girls. They fully understand spirit and know that it exists here, guiding us... But I know that Evelina has asked you to not be in her house. She's still scared, and at 8, she hasn't yet reached the understanding without fear.  Aracelli is one with spirit most of the time. My beautiful empath.

So many things have changed over the last 6 years, and I've learned so much about myself. I found strength I didn't know I had in me.  One of the hardest lessons that I continue to work on daily is how to be the caring person I am but hold some boundaries. I only ever want others to succeed and be the happiest they can be... Learning to do this while preserving my own well-being is the hardest lesson yet. 

This last year has held some of the biggest challenges for me. From starting the year out with Covid to a month later starting the losing 6 month battle between me and my gallbladder, it's been stressful to say the least... But at the same time I have made some of the biggest steps too.  I finally got myself evaluated for ADHD. Guess what?! You were right, I definitely have it! I've decided to use my struggles as a voice to advocate to others that may be fighting the same battle. I'm happy I listened to my gut (and your words from years ago that replay in my head), because it's a whole new world now!  I've found will power I never had... The weight is coming off and I know, if you could be you would be right here encouraging me and reassuring me every step of the way. Along with these things has come the confidence I lost over the years , and a voice to encourage others to find the same. 

I still feel what I wrote in 2018 in reference to the beginning of the new year:

"A blank page to continue our story on. Like a fresh blanket of snow has fallen on the muddy mess we've been living in."

Thank you for continuing to guide me. I miss your presence here but always know you're around. Happy New Year in your spiritual world. We miss you here and love you!

~Les

Day to Day

**Loss and grief are different for everyone.  I cannot begin to comment on how someone else processes their grief, all I can do is speak to my own.  

Show of hands- how many of you, who have lost someone significant in your life, realize now, you are not the same person you were?  Just me??  Didn't think so.

The day my mom passed I was catapulted into a new version of myself.  Well, if I'm being honest, when it became obvious we were going to lose her the real journey started.  You realize at that point, that you were probably a complete shit head to your loved one at one point or another.  I know I was.  Do I regret it?  Yes, but at the same time, I realize that all those ass hat moments I had, helped build the strong relationship we shared.  

It has now been 1 year and 3 and a 1/2 months since she passed.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  On the daily, I hope that I'm making decisions she would be proud of, but you know what?  I know there are going to be times she's behind me going "Leslie, what the hell are you thinking?".  It's OK though, I would have had those moments with her here too.  Mistakes are a part of life.  No one is perfect.  

Over the past year, I have gone through so many ups and downs.  There are days that I just can't deal with stupid bullshit drama.  I have no room in my life for that.  There are other days that I'll be fine and out of the blue it hits like a sledge hammer to the face and I'm lost in a sea of tears.  Then there are the days that I'm just calm, like there has been no trauma to my soul.  

I have discovered so much about myself, both in how I see myself, and how I interact with others.  I have gained a tremendous amount of confidence.  I have leaned that life is too damn short, and I'm not going to let what someone else thinks of me, dictate the way I live my life.  I need to be true to me... not only for my own mental health, but for the sake of my kids.  They deserve to have a mom who is stable (or as stable as any of us are).

Just recently I have started to let my emotions show.  I am usually the one who will wait until the kids are in bed, or until I'm alone to think about her, just in case a tear escapes from my eye.  Not only is this putting stress on me and my family (and let's face it, making me angry), but it is preventing me from sharing some amazing stories with my kids.  They don't deserve that.  She lives on through our memories and the stories we share.  Poor Lina won't have all too many memories of her own with Nonnie, it is my job to make sure she knows the amazing person she was, and how much her grandma loved her.  

Lina and my mom had a special bond.  My mom was over the moon in love with both of my kids, but she would always say "There's just something about that Lina".  Any one of you who have met Lina, know exactly what I'm talking about.  I think some of it is that she has some of my moms spirit in her.  I can just feel it with her.

How many of you that have lost someone have heard this one??

"Time heals all wounds"  
BWWAHAHAHAH... Why don't you come over here and say that to my face. Am I right??
 
Let me be completely honest here, yes, as time passes, it does get easier to get through the day to day.  Will this "wound" ever be "healed"?  Not a chance in the whole damn world!

A friend of mine shared a really cool analogy about a ball in a box when it comes to grief.  I know I cannot do it justice so I will not even try to explain.  You can find the post here.  

I can go a week without my ball hitting the pain button sometimes, but there are other times that it feels like it's a game of Pong and that damn Atari paddle keeps hitting the ball right back to the pain button.  

All in all, every day is different, every day is a learning experience, every day I grow, and everyday I miss her.  None of these will never change.

 

Eulogy

Today was rough. 

There were so many people there, people who loved my mom, and who she loved.  

This is what I read during the eulogy" 

“There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving got that right.  My tears are not a sign of weakness.  They ARE messengers of grief and love.  They show in the physical sense, the grief I have within me.  They make my emotion of deep love visible to the naked eye. 

I think all of us can agree that Linda was a special woman.  We wouldn’t be here, gathered to remember her, if she wasn’t.  As I look around at all of your faces, I can’t help but think she was one lucky lady.  Just take a look around at all the people who loved her.  The more I think about it, maybe we were the lucky ones.  We were the ones embraced by her unconditional love and support.  I’m sure everyone one of us has “that one memory” or “Linda story” that stands out and will be remembered and cherished for all your years to come. 

She wore many different hats thought-out her life: Daughter, sister, wife, mother, nonnie, as well as: friend, coworker, mentor, confidant and problem solver.  No matter what hat she wore for you, she always wore it with a huge smile.

Ah, that smile.  How could you not love that beautiful smile.  It was virtually impossible to remain in a foul mood when she flashed that thing at you!  I’m often told that she will be remembered for her smile, but I will remember her for being my unconditional supporter. 

I ran everything past my mom.  The day I forgot Celli had a half day and left her hanging at school, I called mom.  I needed to know that I wasn’t the most horrible mother on the planet.   When I got a promotion at work, I called mom.  She was the first person I wanted to share my happiness with.  I wanted more than anything to be someone she could be proud of.  Even on our off days, she was there for me.  Everyone keeps saying, remember the good times, but you know what?  There is nothing I wouldn’t give for even one of the not so good times right now, just so I could be with her again. 

Vicki Harrison said, “Greif is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing .  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can do is learn to swim.”

This is so true of grief, but I have found that what Earl Grollman said continues that thought perfectly. “ Greif is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness.  It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love.  The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

Mom, you are greatly missed.  I would not be the person I am today without you.  I’m sorry I didn’t have more time with you, but I know you’re here, watching over your grandbabies.  I love you forever and always.

Walking With Angels

It is with great sadness that I start the next chapter of my journey... This time, without my mom here with me.  My mom passed away Saturday (the 6th), and I feel so... weird.

Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling.  Obviously, I'm sad.  Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am.  But I'm not just feeling sad.  I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...

The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief.  It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more.  Sunday came and went.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister.  Monday I went back to work for a half day.  Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.

The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper.  It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it.  That was the day that it became real.  The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in.  I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her.  This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma.  The mom I have known my whole life.  The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.

I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time.  To have a hug.  To watch her love on my kids.  To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E.  That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her.  I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me.  It's killing me that I can't feel her here. 

I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family.  Thank you so much to all of you.  Your love and support has helped me tremendously. 

Linda McCray

1955-2018

Phone Lines Down

The last time I was able to speak to my mom on the phone was December 18th.   I used to talk to my mom on the phone multiple times a day.  Every time I had a question, did something I was proud of, wanted to share something about my kids, or just have a little chat- I called her.  Only her.  She was the one who I wanted to call.  I now sit by her bed and talk to her.  It's a very one sided conversation, but I will take all the opportunity that I have.  I  am losing one of my best friends.

Every step of this journey has opened my eyes even more.  I never imagined that my emotions could do this to me.  I've had 2 kids, and experienced some wild mood swings (just ask my husband about the hot dog incident!), and for me, this is is harder on my moods.

I have turned into a complete ass hole.  I am completely unable, most of the time, to find or give happiness.  Sadly, this seems to happen to the people who are taking the most care of me.  The people that I love the most, and appreciate more than I could ever express.  I hate being this way.  I don't do it on purpose, I just can't stop the nastiness from coming out of my mouth.  As soon as it leaves, I realize it's come out wrong.  I am so sorry to anyone that has been on the receiving end of this for trying to do something nice for me.  To my husband and kids: I do love and appreciate you, I'm just having a very hard time seeing past my own grief to act correctly.

I do appreciate the help and guidance I am getting from people who have been through this.  I told my husband that it's like a weird club I been put into.  I told my friend Char (who lost her momma many years ago 💜) and she said "It is like a secret club that you were initiated into but don’t want to be in it".  Boom!  Nail hit right on the head. Worst club I've ever been a part of, but most supportive group of people by far.  

Public Service Announcement #1... I am sorry in advance for snapping (or Sorry, not sorry), but I am completely unable to put up with stupid drama.  Drama llamas are my least favorite animal.

Public service announcement #2...  When you complain about your mom, or what she did, or how she's a pain, etc... Just remember, you have one.  Only ONE,  and it will not be the same when she's gone.  

 

Forging Forward Into the New Year

Thank you to everyone who has responded and reached out from my last post.  I truly appreciate all of your support.  I would also like to take this chance to mention to friends and family that, per mom's request, no visitors. 

Being an optimist (usually), one of my absolute favorite days to celebrate is New Years.  It feels like everything is brand new.  A blank page to continue our story on. Like a fresh blanket of snow has fallen on the muddy mess we've been living in. But...

In reality, we started 2018 in the same condition we left 2017.  Nothing is wiped away, problems are still there from the day before, that mud is still there, under the snow.  Resolutions are made, and quickly forgotten.  The only thing that happens is that we start counting the days over.

I was told the other day to not let what we're going through "harden" me.  I had been thinking about this the other day too.  I know it is.  I feel hard already.  This got me thinking though, have I always been hard?  I try to see a whole situation rather than a side, I tend to take the logical and realistic approach during a discussion.  I talk myself out of opinions I thought I had.  Sometimes my views and the way I express them, do come across as hard.  Maybe I'm not as optimistic as I thought I was. 

In one instance I worry that I'm too hard, and in the next I'm crying.  This is a hard process, and I just keep reminding myself: It's ok to feel however I need to.  Just like I told A, there is no right way to feel about what we're going through.

My advise- Don't judge a book by it's cover. I may be smiling sometimes, but the pain inside is beyond description.

*To anyone else who may have gone, or may be going through this... I feel for you.  I know it's feels like no one else understands how you feel, but there are some of us who do.  Reach out.

Am I Breathing?

Have you ever had one of those panic attacks that makes you feel light headed, like you can't breathe?  I'm pretty sure I'm just living in one.

Having to watch someone you love in pain is never fun... Having to watch the woman who gave you life and taught you how to be the person you are today in pain? Heart wrenching.

"Life is the art of dying" ~Atticus

Over the course of the last 2 years, the hubs and I have talked about death, in a way, trying to prepare ourselves for the point in time where death would come. Both of us being very logical in how we think about life, we know that eventually death will come for all of us, and life will go on for those left behind. Dear God, it is so much harder than that!

I had to explain to A the other day what was happening. She's 8, and she knows, but her beautiful little positive mind was sure there was a way for her Nonnie to get better again.  It really broke my heart having to tell her that most likely her Nonnie won't be here within the next couple weeks.  We talked about how it's ok for her to cry or not cry. She can be sad or mad.  It is ok for her to feel any way she wants about this.  She seems to have chosen sad.  As I was leaving today to sit with mom, A was crying because she wanted to visit too.  I wouldn't let her come.  I don't know if I've made the right choice in not letting her visit, but she's so young.  She knows what's happening... I guess I just don't want her to have this picture in her head forever.

E on the other hand, knows that Nonnie is sick, but at not quite 3 years old, she doesn't understand what's going on.  I made sure she was able to face time with mom the other night to tell her she loves her and blow kisses.  I know at this point that doesn't matter to E, but she may some day ask if she got to say goodbye, and I would like to be able to tell her she did.

To all my friends and co-workers: Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions especially over the last few weeks.

To my in laws and extended family: Thank you for being there to help with the kids and whatever we need.  We are lucky to have you in our world.

To my husband: I don't know what I would do right now without you supporting me.  You have been my rock.  I know there is still a ways to go, but with your help, I will get through it.  I know I have been a lot to deal with lately, for that I am sorry, I love you.

To my sister: I am so sorry that you are not here.  I'm so proud of you for getting out of town and having a great job.  You are making some amazing memories and you deserve to be happy.

To my dad: You are amazing.  Mom has been so lucky to have you here with her through the entire process.  I know she can't express it, but I know she appreciates it.  Thank you for taking early retirement and making sure that mom had everything she needed.  I love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and us.

 Mom: I know you won't read this, but you need to know I love you more than words can express.  You gave us a great life growing up, and then helped give my daughters a great life.  I'm so sorry for the way I acted growing up.  I know it was just teenage things, but if I could take it back and redo it I would.  Thank you for everything you have given me.  I could not have asked for a better life with you.  I know you are in pain, and I just don't want to see you suffer any more.  We are all ok, whenever you are ready.  We love you. 

Guess who's back?!

So, apparently I've been on a bit of a hiatus, but I'm back (and I'm rad, giving you something that you've never had)... I know some of you got that whether you want to admit or not.

I've got some fantastic new post coming in the near future ( their gonna make you jump, jump...)  sorry, I had to. Make sure you check back often!

*Update*
Mom had her second chemo yesterday. She's exhausted,  as you could probably imagine, but she's doing well.  I was able to take the baby over to see her the other day. It was so great to see them together. E wasn't quite sure about the no hair at first, but then apparently decided that anyone who has the same 'do as her, can't be too bad.  Ugh, I'm gonna be taping bows to E's head forever it seems.

Sorry for the crazy Kris Kross references tonight.  Hopefully all my early 90s people will appreciate it.

Times a Changing

Well, another year has come and gone. In looking back, as hard as the year was for us, some great things happened. 2015 brought the birth of my second beautiful daughter, my first daughters 6th birthday and a milestone birthday for me.

With all that happened in 2015, I'm going to appreciate what has happened but focus on what's to come. My baby will be having her very first birthday and I'm sure we will make so many amazing memories.  My mom will be going through some major stuff this year but I'm optimistic she will do fantastic!

Thank you all for ready so far and let's get ready to welcome 2016!!

Happy New Year!! 

Sneeze Paralysis?

I swear people, I can't make this stuff up...

My cousin posted a link to a hilarious blog post tonight. I read it and could 100% appreciate it.

The post can be found here.

My DH on the other hand was not too thrilled with it.  To him, it's about having the self control to not swear in front of the children. Now listen, I don't just swear for the heck of it, but... you get the idea.

After hearing his side of this I posed the question "so, it's not ok for me to swear in front of the kiddos,  but you can sneeze and not cover your mouth?"  This is where, with the straightest of faces, he says "that's sneeze paralysis"

Um, WTF? seriously?  No. Just no.

So, to sum up... I like to swear and DH suffers from a rare condition that causes sneeze paralysis, thus causing him to spit everywhere and me to swear at him for doing it!

That crazy holiday feeling

What a crazy couple weeks we've had in our house! I'm pretty sure we didn't stop going for 2 weeks straight!  We've passed around the head cold and stomach bug, and now it seems to be making round 2. E has now fussed for 2 days straight and A has been wound so tight from candy and the Christmas high,  it's a good thing she has a week more off of school to recover!  

Over a couple days, we somehow manage to have 6 different Christmas events, one of which was at my house for the first time this year. We usually have it at my mom's house,  but she's been so sore, there was no way she could do all the cooking and cleaning to get ready.  So, I got my first chance to host. I suppose it went ok, since everyone ate the ham I made (first time cooking it) and noone has called telling me they got food poisoning!   Only a couple little mishaps I could do without next year... 

I was unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I could put the dinner dishs in there and while putting the silverware away I noticed one didn't get all clean so I put it in the sink. As I brought my hand back, I cough my finger on a knife I had washed earlier and left in the dish drainer.  Leave it to me to find a way to get hurt putting dishes away. Needless to say, I was off dish duty for the rest of the night. Ironically,  the next morning I opened a beautiful set of wolf gang puck knives. My family wouldn't let me open them just yet!  

Tomorrow starts the next chapter of my mom's journey. Her and my dad will be leaving their house around 7am to head to Roswell for my mom's first round of chemo. She is actually looking forward to it. The doctor has said that it should help her feel better. Her arm is so swollen from the clot and the fact that the lymph nodes aren't working properly. Hopefully the doc is right. She'd be doing so much better if her arm wasn't weighing her down. She jokes all the time saying she needs her own TLC show "Life with my 600 lb arm".  Anyone out there want to set that up for us?  We're a fun bunch, I swear!

Back to work tomorrow!  It will be a nice break from the crazy!

Light Side or Dark Side...

Happy "Force Awakens" day to everyone!  What a movie! It was really good. Not gonna lie... I was a little skeptical. The last time there was a huge gap of time between movies we were introduced to Jar Jar Binks. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone since it is only opening day and there are many more people who will be going to see it, but I do have a few comments.... Harrison Ford is looking a little rough. Carrie Fisher is looking rougher, and Chewbacca looks like he hasn't aged a bit ;)  Old and new characters have come together to create a great movie. Some questions were answered and some weren't,  but a million more were raised.

Something I do have to admit about tonight was the fact that my anxiety level had gone past red to just ashes it was so high.  I know it's silly to worry, but after what happened at the dark knight movie I couldn't help it.  Obviously,  everything was ok. There was this one guy though... he was wearing one of those adult onsie pajama things that looks like Chewbacca.  He must have gone up and down the stairs next to us at least 15 times. Maybe more. And he didn't just walk nicely up and down the stairs, no sir, this young gentleman ran/stomped each time. He looked like a deer trying to outrun it's predator. There was one instance this brown fleece covered lad came bounding past us muttering something about a stormtrooper. It was almost more entertaining than the movie. Moral of this story is: go see the movie, watch out for crazies!

Mom got her port put in yesterday. She was in quite a bit of pain today, but it seems that since she has a different pain to focus on the pain in her back wasn't quite as prominent today. She'll get her start date for chemo soon, and the only thing I know right now is that it will be every 3 weeks.  Her and my dad got to watch baby E today. I'm sure she kept PopPop on his toes. Shes so busy. Into everything!  Hard to believe she's 10 months old today!  She's getting so big. Christmas is going to be a blast with her and A this year. I get to host my first holiday. I'm a little nervous, there is so much I still have to do!  All the presents need wrapped (probably should finish shopping too), we have a carpet that needs to come out, we need to clean, and I still have to work! Seems like we have something going every night. It's a bit overwhelming.

As I wrap this up tonight I'd like to ask everyone for some kind thoughts for a good friend.  Baby E's daycare provider, Stacey, lost her brother in law on Wednesday to that nasty beast cancer. Stacey and Dave took care of him until the end, and I'm sure that he is eternally, greatfull for all that they did. I've only known them a short time, but have been able to see how loving and selfless they are.  Cancer is an awful beast that doesn't discriminate. I'm so sorry for their loss, but so happy he is no longer suffering here in the physical world.

Diagnosis and Prognosis

Monday was the day... the day we were waiting for and not waiting for at the same time. The day we knew could change our world forever.   The day the world turned upside down.

It's just a number. A simple number, but that one number has a way of changing everything.  The four words that accompany that number feel like they come straight from the Devil's mouth itself.  Merely a sentence to most... until it is your reality.  Four words and a number you are never truly prepared to hear.

"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

This became our new reality Monday.

I went to work like normal, knowing that mom had her appointment at Roswell that afternoon.  I wasn't as nervous as I had been the last time she went up, I expected she would just get her chemo schedule and be on her way.  Boy was I wrong. I called her when I got out of work since I hadn't heard from her, thinking maybe they got tied up or stopped to grab a bite to eat.  There was no answer, so I just went about my routine of picking everyone up.  I picked up baby E from the sitter and then grabbed DH from work. I then stopped to get A at school and missed my mom's call. Since I was driving I waited the whopping three minuets it takes me to get home and called her as I was walking in the door. She said they were still in Buffalo and had just left Roswell. I asked how it went and got the response... "not good...".  A long pause followed that, at which point I prompted with "and..."... and that's when I heard the dreaded sentence:
"It's stage 4 breast cancer"

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought my heart dropped right out of my body at that minute in time.  I immediately started having a panic attack but tried as hard as possible to keep it together and get all the facts I could.

The doctor informed her that she would be getting a port to receive her chemo treatments through now and that they would schedule that for as soon as possible. While this is not the diagnosis we wanted to hear at all, but the prognosis isn't as awful as you first think it is. She wasn't given only months to live or anything. The doctor stressed that she had years.  While there is no cure for this, it's all about managing it. There is no cure for diabetes,  but people live long, full lives with that disease.  I am sure we will have mom here for a long time. It's probably more likely that she'll go out from old age or will wear out her welcome, (if you will) before this takes her from us.

I've cycled through a gazillion different emotions in the course of four days and am so beyond greatfull for the support my frinds and family offer. I have no idea where we would be without a great support system.

To my mom's close friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to support her. We're at the very beginning of a very long road, and will need all the support available. Continue to pray or send happy thoughts and know that while it's not always easy to express it, she is so thankful for the love and support. A few kind words in a message or card have a way of making someone's day a little brighter.

The price you pay...

Over the last 3 days all the 6 year old has wanted to watch is "Santa Clause is Coming to Town".  I am going to lose my mind!  Not only is it annoying to watch any movie 88457 times in a row, but there are some crazy songs. Songs that should not be on a children's movie  

"If you sit on my lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay
When you tell what you wish for --
In a whisper
Be prepared to pay.

If you sit on my lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay
When you sit on my left knee
Don't be stingy
Be prepared to pay"

What the crap is that??  Now we're walking around with these songs stuck in our heads, just praying the words don't accidentally come out out loud for fear the wrong person will hear. 

Now the kiddos have passed out and I'm in need of an escape... and by that I mean I ice cream!!!

I had been standing in front of the treat freezers at the store and just couldn't decide... then this gem jumped right out at me. It was like it was meant to be. This is crazy good!  It truly is an escape. Warning, it's a tad pricey, but well worth it.  I had just gotten some birthday money, so it was a treat to me :) 

Mom has her last radiation tomorrow! She sounds a little better everyday.  Soon she should be able to get her chemo plan and really kick this in the you know what.   

I feel like I had more to talk about but between the talk of delicious frozen amazingness and a Santa who thinks you need to "pay" for toys I've completely lost my train of thought. Probably doesn't help that I'm totally distracted watching Tourgasm and wishing I could be that funny! 

Oh, and I've also decided to put a title on this one... don't get too excited, I can't guarantee it will happen every time haha!!

November 27, 2015

Today was one of my most favorite days of the year. It's Christmas tree day in our house! I LOVE this day. There is nothing more peaceful than sitting on the couch with the lights off relaxing by the light of the tree. Something about the tree has such a calming effect. Sigh... just love it. E hasn't seen it yet. We were moving some stuff around to get ready for it but she went to bed before it was done. I can't wait to see how she reacts. We're going to have to figure out a way to keep her out of it. Makes me nervous with all the wires now that she's crawling. All I can picture is that scene from "Christmas Vacation".  You know, the one where the cat chews the wire... POOF!  No more cat. A helped fluff the tree and put the beaded garland on. She even put a bunch of the ornaments on for me.  She's now laying on the couch trying to relax with some Christmas music by the light of the tree.

I can't believe it's only Friday. Feels like I should be going to work tomorrow,  not have 2 more days off. It's been a great couple days though. DH and I were able to go out with some friends Wednesday night. Been a long time since we have done that. I then went out with a few of the friends to a couple bars. It was at this point I learned I was WAY too old for that crap!  There was a good band playing so I thought I'd stop in to check them out.  Oh boy was that a bad idea!  I stayed for half a drink,  looked at my friend, and from the look on her face I knew she was thinking the same thing as me... it was time to get the heck out of there!  We went to a low key place after that and ended up having a fantastic time with a couple of other friends.

Thursday was wonderful. We relaxed at home for a while before heading to my mom's.  We sat and chatted and just truly enjoyed each others company. We ate pizza to limit the amount of chaos in her house, and had some pie. It is not about what you eat on thanksgiving,  it's about giving thanks and spending quality time with the ones you love. We left there and went to my in laws side and had a great time.  The food was amazing and the company was great. My mother in law got a game for A. It's a snowball game. It just consists of a bunch of cotton like balls that look and feel (without the cold) like snowballs. I'm sure there's a point to the actual game, but I think the adults had more fun than A. There were snowballs flying everywhere.  So much fun!

I made 2 hats today and am now trying to find a pattern for the next couple on the list. Got a lot to make now for Christmas. Lots of orders to fill. Keeps me busy so that's nice. 

I'll be going to my mom's to make no bake cookies tomorrow since she had a craving for them. I love that I'm able to help her. I hate that she needs it for the reason she does, but I'm happy I can help. Help, for now at least. I will be scheduling surgery on my ankle. My plan is to do it in February while DH is off of work for the week. I guess that's the one real nice thing about the schools splitting spring break. 

Ok, the relaxing effect of the tree has worked. .. g'night!

November 25, 2015

Today's the day of my mom's endoscopy.  We're finally progressing again. Don't get me wrong,  she's progressing already with the radiation and all, it's just hart to know the cancer is inside and they aren't doing anything yet. They should do the pancreas scan while she's there. Hopefully by next week she'll have her results and we can get the show on the road. Today is radiation 7 of 10. She's been in so much pain because of it.  She had to miss her appointment on Monday since she couldn't even get out of bed the pain was so bad.  After speaking with the radiation doctor, he called in a prescription for her to help with the inflammation. Later that day I talked to her and could already hear the difference in her voice.  One of the guys in the fire dept with my dad brought a walker over for her and she said it helps too.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving... can you beleive Christmas is only 1 month away?!?! I am so not where I wanted to be with the shopping. Santa is unfortunately going to have to be a little cheap in our house this year. I have a few things for the kids, but nothing like I should for as late as it is!  Anyone going black Friday shopping?  I will most likely not be going. For one thing, I don't have the money and secondly, I always seem to end up with more things that aren't Christmas presents than are.  I'm also a lazy bag of bones and enjoy my sleep way too much!

DH and A are off of school today. We talked about how perfect a time it would be to get her room cleaned with her daddy's help. She'd be able to get the toys she doesn't play with out of there to make room for the new... I swear to God her body could sense there would be cleaning today... shes gotten up to vomit twice now. I swear this child is physically incapable of cleaning her room.  She asked for a little thing of cookies at the store the other day. I told her she could get them and have a couple after she did a little cleaning in her room. Wouldn't you know, she put the darn cookies back in order to get out of cleaning her room!  I'm out of ideas! How do I get this child to clean her room?? Anything that works in your house??

I have finished the dinosaur hat and it's been delivered, I have also finished a super cute anchor hat and have to put the face on a puppy. The last 2 will be going to fill an order today.

Isn't that just so cute!! The puppy will be super cute once it's together too!  I have 2 more I need to make tonight/tomorrow and after that there's a huge list. I will be crocheting ubtil my hand falls off! On the plus side,  I've gotten much faster at it! 

November 19, 2015

Anyone else out there ever have days where you know you were busy all day but feel like nothing got accomplished?  That was my day. I know I got stuff done, I guess it just wasn't the stuff I originally planned. Tomorrow is another day, and I have big plans for it!  I planned on taking a half day tomorrow as we have A's parent-teacher in the afternoon, but I'm letting A go to the program at the school so I'll have a little extra time to work. I'll probably still take a little time off and hang out with my mom or just come home and relax in the quiet as a birthday present to me.

The tooth fairy will be visiting our house tonight as A lost tooth #2!  Can you beleive how high inflation has made this payout?  Her daddy pulled it out for her before school this morning. I made my way upstairs and as I passed the bathroom I heard her singing to herself. I backed up and peeked in and saw her standing on the toilet talking to herself in the mirror. She's so excited about it. Hopefully the tooth fairy transfer will go smoothly so I can get some sleep tonight. It's pretty rough trying to make your way through the day after 2 nights with only 3-4 hours of sleep. First night was just me not being able to sleep, and last night we had a little baby who coughed herself awake, decided she was hungry and then wanted to play. That is just not gonna fly here. Mom and dad don't operate on 3rd shift. 

Tomorrow starts a new chapter at work. Today was J's last day. She's been there for 8 years, and has accepted a new position. She's staying with the agency but is going to be at a different site.  It's really nice to work for an agency that has so many opportunities. There really is something for just about everyone. J was looking for a change and was able to do so without having to start over somewhere.  We are getting someone who already works in finance and I'm sure she'll do great. She's a fast learner and very thorough. No doubt she'll do well.

Mom has had 4 radiation treatments so far. She's still in a lot of pain as they said she probably would be. They told her it would probably get worse before  it gets better. It is awful for the short term, but I'm trying to only see the long term positives.

As busy and stressful as my day was, I'm ready to start the next... definitely need some sleep first!

November 15, 2015

<What a busy weekend!  I went to a movie with A at her school Friday night. It was so much fun. The PTA plays a movie for free and then they have cheap snacks available for the kids. Such a fun time for the kids. It is so much fun to watch A with her friends. She's growing up so fast!  We had pulled in the parking lot and I was gathering my things and shutting off the car and she looks at me and says "c'mon, my friends said they'd be here! They're waiting for me!"  She's just too much! I had planned on writing when I came home but when I sat down on the couch and opened the program, I fell asleep.  Woke up long enough to get in bed and back to sleep I went.

Yesterday was a fun day!  I got to go to a baby shower for my sister in law!  I am so over the moon excited for her and my BIL!  They are going to make great parents!  A got to help with the games and give out prizes and E got to play with her baby cousin and cuddle with all of her aunts. I also get to finally post a picture of the cute little shark hat I made for the new baby :)

My sister came to town to see my mom. It was so nice to have her here and the kids just loved playing with her. A cried and cried when it was time to go home. She misses her Auntie Em. We wish she lived closer. It's Auntie Em's birthday today. We had monkey bread for cake last night... a delightful break from regular cake! A was pretty amused by the name of it. I however had such abad headache all day that I fell asleep in my mom's chair while everyone else socialized. It was so great to hear everyone happy and enjoying themselves if even for a short time :)  

My fantastical DH let me take a nap today as I work up with that awful headache again today. I really hope I don't have it tomorrow too. I have way too much to do at work and I plan on staying late to accomplish that.  We're losing one of our coworkers at the end of the week. It's going to be super weird without her even in our building. We've been friends for about 17 years... will be so strange not to see her everyday.  Her first day at her new site is also my birthday... talk about bad timing!! I'm happy for her though, as it's where she wants to be.

Hopefully soon I will also be using this blog as a product review page too. I've applied for a few different things, so we'll see what happens. I'm excited to be able to give an honest opinion and have my voice heard... not to mention, people are also probably getting g sick of hearing the same boring stuff about me everyday!!   Going to get some crocheting done tonight! Finally... seems like life has just been crazy lately! 

November 12, 2015

I should have taken a picture just to assure everyone thay my taco ring does not look like the picture from yesterday's recipe, but let me tell you, it sure as heck tasted as good as the recipe picture looked!!  I have to give my hubby most of the credit for it though.  He made most of it. I stepped in when he was too scared to open the package of Cresent rolls and tried to make little miss A do it for him.

I swear, it feels like all I did was run this afternoon. Left work, grabbed the baby at the sitter, grabbed the hubby at work. Dropped hubby and baby off at home, got A from school and went to dance. I was able to sit for a bit at dance and then we were on the run again. Dropped A off at home and went to the store. Came home and it was time to make dinner. I did relax a bit and cuddle the babes while DH (dear husband) worked on dinner.

I was thankful for the break and to get off my feet. My right foot was especially thankful since it was in a fight with the screen door this morning, and lost.  It seems we are always running late in the morning and I had just stepped out the door when I realized I had forgotten something. I turned around quick to run back in and the door slammed shut on my heel. It hurt soooooo bad! I couldn't breathe!  I was then forced to just throw on a flip flop and run out the door praying I wasn't leaving a trail of blood!  Have to say I'm a little worried that tomorrow is Friday the 13th... my Thursday the 12th was bad enough!

Mom went down to cancer care today to set up her radiation schedule. She'll start next week and go for 2 weeks I beleive. It's nice to know that something is finally happening to help her.  She had a friend stop over this afternoon and my sister is coming into town this weekend too!  I went to visit on my lunch break so my dad could help doctor my wound. Just goes to show, no matter how old you are, you still need your parents!   ❤

November 11, 2015

Why on earth is is to hard for me to move data from my phone to the computer?  I like to think that I know a bit about technology, but for some reason, the ability to move stuff from phone to computer eludes me!  It's like I completely stroke out when it comes time to do it.  Whatever, over 800 pictures and about an hour later, I have finally made some room on the phone to update some of my apps!

Just got A to bed… Yes, 10pm and I was still fighting with a  6 year old to get in bed.  I swear, she's a professional staller!  She's really good at the "Ok, but wait…" routine.  She was one "oh, I forgot…" away from being grounded, although that usually ends up as more of a punishment to me as she complains that she's bored or there's nothing to do when I've taken TV and tablet away.  E has a super runny nose, and I can still hear her up in her crib flopping around, with the occasional moan or whimper.

Gave E spaghetti tonight at dinner time.  She was a mess!  I had to strip her right at the table to avoid getting it everywhere.  There were pieces in her clothes… I even found some in mine when I changed into my loungers.  There's a reason babies are so cute… Big people could never get away with that!

Talked to my mom for a few minutes today.  She sounded like she was feeling a little bit better.  It's just too bad that the pain meds make her so groggy.  She still can't enjoy anything.  Still not sure what the future is going to hold for us, but I know we will make it through.  She's a tough gal, and nothing is going to stand in her way!  She's got an amazing support system ready to hold her up through it all.  My sister and I are reminded all the time of just how many people are there for us.  I know I'm asked a bunch of times a day how I'm doing, and how my mom is feeling.  Just know that even though I don't say much on the subject every time, I'm very thankful to be thought of and appreciate the support.  I know my mom does too.

Ooh, side note here… I was tagged by someone on twitter today as being someone who shared a story on a webpage.  I was super shocked to find my blog posted here!  I keep checking, and I have quite a bit of page views.  I hope people are following me.  If my randomness can give at least one person a laugh, or a "oh, we've been there", I've done what I wanted to do.  Writing this helps me get through my days, and I hope it can help others too!

I'd also like to take this opportunity to remember the veterans.  Thank you for putting your life on the line so that I can live mine!