Weird is the only way I can describe this feeling. Obviously, I'm sad. Sad isn't even an accurate description for the amount of sad I am. But I'm not just feeling sad. I'm feeling, empty, lost, glazed, relieved...
The first couple days after her passing, I felt relief. It was a good feeling to not have her suffering any more. Sunday came and went. I spent a lot of time with my dad and talking to my sister. Monday I went back to work for a half day. Took the afternoon with my dad to get the obituary submitted and run a few other errands. Tuesday was a different story.
The obituary came out in Tuesday's paper. It has the most beautiful picture of her attached to it. That was the day that it became real. The feeling of relief started to fade and the sorrow started to kick in. I started receiving messages about how great my mom was, and got to hear some fantastic memories of her. This was the day that instead of being happy that the sick lady my mom had become was no longer in pain, I started to truly miss my momma. The mom I have known my whole life. The one person I want to call the most to talk about what I'm feeling right now.
I want nothing more than to hear her say she loves me one more time. To have a hug. To watch her love on my kids. To hear her sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to E. That was the first song that E learned, because her Nonie taught her. I just keep waiting for a sign that she's here with me. It's killing me that I can't feel her here.
I have been very lucky to have such a great support group through friends, co-workers, and friends that are closer than some of our family. Thank you so much to all of you. Your love and support has helped me tremendously.
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