Phone Lines Down

The last time I was able to speak to my mom on the phone was December 18th.   I used to talk to my mom on the phone multiple times a day.  Every time I had a question, did something I was proud of, wanted to share something about my kids, or just have a little chat- I called her.  Only her.  She was the one who I wanted to call.  I now sit by her bed and talk to her.  It's a very one sided conversation, but I will take all the opportunity that I have.  I  am losing one of my best friends.

Every step of this journey has opened my eyes even more.  I never imagined that my emotions could do this to me.  I've had 2 kids, and experienced some wild mood swings (just ask my husband about the hot dog incident!), and for me, this is is harder on my moods.

I have turned into a complete ass hole.  I am completely unable, most of the time, to find or give happiness.  Sadly, this seems to happen to the people who are taking the most care of me.  The people that I love the most, and appreciate more than I could ever express.  I hate being this way.  I don't do it on purpose, I just can't stop the nastiness from coming out of my mouth.  As soon as it leaves, I realize it's come out wrong.  I am so sorry to anyone that has been on the receiving end of this for trying to do something nice for me.  To my husband and kids: I do love and appreciate you, I'm just having a very hard time seeing past my own grief to act correctly.

I do appreciate the help and guidance I am getting from people who have been through this.  I told my husband that it's like a weird club I been put into.  I told my friend Char (who lost her momma many years ago 💜) and she said "It is like a secret club that you were initiated into but don’t want to be in it".  Boom!  Nail hit right on the head. Worst club I've ever been a part of, but most supportive group of people by far.  

Public Service Announcement #1... I am sorry in advance for snapping (or Sorry, not sorry), but I am completely unable to put up with stupid drama.  Drama llamas are my least favorite animal.

Public service announcement #2...  When you complain about your mom, or what she did, or how she's a pain, etc... Just remember, you have one.  Only ONE,  and it will not be the same when she's gone.